Re: I really want to be a baby again...



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Posted by DR on July 18, 2005 at 22:07 [67.83.76.91]

In Reply to: I really want to be a baby again... posted by unloved on July 18, 2005 at 14:56

You wrote:

"so would it matter if I just tried to starve my brain of oxygen until I was a mental infant again?"

First thing's first -- don't blame your adulthood or your diaper desires for feeling unloved, as you titled yourself. There are *handicapped* people of all sorts, who are able to find love. There are quadriplegics out there who have found love -- and morbidly obese people, and retarded people, people with facial deformities, and people with cerebral palsy, and people with crippling, deteriorating diseases, and so forth. These are people who have much fewer resources than you have. To wit Yogi Berra -- many of them would give their right arms to be ambidexterous like you. If they can find love, then so can you. Don't blame the diapers, and don't blame your desire to be a real baby for feeling unloved. Feeling unloved is on you -- its your perception.

But if the *primary* and *inextricable* reason for wanting to destroy your brain is that you're uncomfortable in your own skin -- that you want to be as a real baby would be, to have his mentality and intellect, -- and can *never* be comfortable in your adult skin, then I can understand that decision if not agree with it.

Unlike this h200420012 person, who replied to you, I wouldn't call your idea cowardly because I've never walked in your shoes. I would imagine that feeling "trapped" in an adult's body, when one feels mentally like an infant must be an agonizingly sad and difficult life.

However, while it isn’t a cowardly decision, it is a *selfish* one. Selfish decisions aren’t inherently wrong – but they do make others’ decisions more difficult. For example, what if your caregiver would rather run away to a tropical island instead of caring for you? Or what if s/he would rather scramble her/his brains too, but instead feels responsible for you? That you destroyed your brain first makes those people’s decisions that much more difficult.

Would it matter? Yes, I'm sure it would matter to those who care about you. I'm sure it would matter to those who depend upon you. And yes, I'm sure that decision would forever matter for those forced to care for you for the rest of your days. That's causing a lot of hurt and pain and work just to alleviate yours. That's the epitome of selfishness.

Speaking of selfish -- deceiving someone into caring for you, as "Big baby" suggested takes that caregiver's time away from a person who is truly dependent. Plus it doesn't solve your larger problem: feeling like you're trapped in an adult's body.

Therapy may help you, or it may not. I think its your best option, but for the time being, you're an adult, responsible for your own *adult* decisions, with the right to do to yourself as you wish -- even fuck up your own brain. Just be mindful that once you do it, you'll no longer be able to make those adult decisions ever again.

And while that may sound great to you, what if you're wrong about that decision? What if you don't like it? What if it’s not all you thought it would be? Unfortunately, once you do it, you can't take it back. Even if you could reverse it, you wouldn't have the aptitude or the decision-making ability to do so.

That’s a lot of risk, a lot of selfishness, and a big decision. But hey, it’s your life. You’re responsible for it. Do what you think is best.


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