Posted by Narada on January 17, 2010 at 14:21 [67.175.201.146]
So once again, Fox is pre-empting Family Guy! Last week, it was some bullshit celebration of the Simpsons 55th anniversary or whatever(who cares?? that shit ain't been funny since 1992!). This week, it's the Fox premiere of 24 and Human Target, a new version of a show that failed to find an audience back in the '90's. Yeah, so sure it'll work this time.
So now's the perfect time to post my Family Guy story!!! This is my first time doing a story by request, so Vandytatt07, this one's for you!
As this is a Family Guy story, political correctness is gone out the window. Family Guy is trademark and ©(copyright) 2010 Twentieth Century Fox, Inc. and I make no claims of ownership, nor am I making a profit from this.
[PS Please help Haiti!!! I plan to donate to the Red Cross, make sure you go thru a valid charity. Now on with the show....]
Family Guy: Lois' Desparate Day
by Sri Narada Jagganath, Esq.
"Brian, I'm bored!" Stewie whined as he sauntered into the living room.
"Aw, what's the matter, Stewie? Did the all-male review close up early today?" Brian quipped.
"Shut up! I told you I just went into that strip club to ask for directions!"
"You stayed in there for three hours!"
"I was really, REALLY lost. Now listen, dog: I've come up with a way to alleviate our boredom. Do you remember that parallel Earth we went to that had the technology to teleport the poop out of people and beam it across the multiverse? Well, it just so happens that I have rigged up a device that lets me take control of the process!"
"So?"
"SO?? You know, Brian, sometimes I'm stunned by your complete lack of imagination. With this device," Stewie enthused as he brandished a large black remote, "we can beam poo directly into the bowels of whomever we wish and make them soil themselves!"
"Why the hell would we want to do something that juvenile?"
"For shits and giggles, Brian...purely for shits and giggles! Of course, if you don't wanna play with me, I can always "hang" (he did air quotes as he said this) with Meg and Chris..."
"I wouldn't bother them. Meg's helping Chris with his biology homework."
***********************************************************
Meg was on her bed, sitting up with the blankets pulled up over her naked body. Chris was standing beside her, naked as well. "Get in, fat ass!" Meg ordered.
"Um...how's this gonna help me pass biology?" Chris stammered.
"Your test is on female anatomy, I'm female, and I'm ovulating! Now get in the fucking bed!"
"Ok, ok!" Chris muttered as he turned out the lights and got into bed. "But you're paying for the abortion this time!"
"Don't be silly! I won't get pregnant if I take it up the..."
************************************************************
"As I was saying, Brian," Stewie continued, "let's have a little fun!"
"Fine," Brian sighed. "Gimmie it." He snatched the remote from Stewie and fiddled with the buttons.
"Careful--that's a precision instrument!"
"Uh-huh." Brian aimed the remote at Stewie and
pressed a button.
"No, wait--! Don't...Blast!" Instantly, Stewie's diaper filled with poo. He sniffed. "Did you just fill my diaper with camel dung?"
"Yep." Brian smirked.
"You're such an ass." Stewie pressed a button on the remote that instantly cleaned himself up.
"You know, Stewie, that WAS fun! Who's next?"
"Let me answer that by turning on the TV. There's a show I think you should see."
"We now return to the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt show!" the announcer blared.
"WHAT?!?" Brian asked incredulously. "They gave those two media whores their own show?"
"Just wait, Brian--it gets worse."
"I'm Heidi Montag and I'm a no talent whore!" the surgically enhanced blonde on the screen cooed.
"I'm Spencer Pratt and I'm a total douchebag!" her neanderthallic husband grunted.
"That's the entire show, Brian," Stewie said. "They just stand there and say that over and over again for an hour."
"GRRR!" Brian growled, aimed the device at the TV and pressed a button marked MASSIVE DUMP.
On the TV, Heidi halted her recitation and grabbed her stomach. "What...I only eat one grape every two weeks! How can I be...OHHH..." She turned away from the camera and doubled over in pain. She was wearing a super slutty red mini dress, so her see through white panties were on full display. She issued an inhuman grunt and started pooping like mad. The turds were HUGE and her panties struggled to contain them. She screamed as her tiny pink asshole stretched wider than it had ever been and disgorged several long strands of poo.
"Horse turds, Brian?" Stewie asked.
"Horse turds, Stewie." Brian grinned.
"Oh my god!" Spencer Pratt shouted. "Call 4-1-1, bro! My lady's havin' a baby...OUT HER ASS! I thought you was on the pill, girl!"
"D-Did he just say..."Stewie gaped.
"Yep, afraid so." Brian sighed.
"My god, is he REALLY that stupid?? This guy makes Paris Hilton look like a rocket scientist."
**********************************************************
Paris Hilton is stood in front of a classroom full of students. She has her hair tied in a severe bun, and she is wearing glasses and a white lab coat.She is writing a complex mathematical equation on a blackboard.
"So," she said, turning to the class, "can anyone solve this? Anyone?" She sighed, shook out her hair, and removed her coat and glasses, leaving herself totally naked. "Fuck it, just look at my tits!" She started posing as camera flashes went off throughout the class.
**********************************************************
Meanwhile, Heidi continued to squeeze out tremendous logs of poo. Her knickers swelled to ridiculous proportions and began tearing at the seams. Spencer put his face close to her ass and shouted, "Push, baby! I can see the head!"
"Spence--UGH--you fucking--AHH--idiot, I'm not--OHH-- pregnant!"
With that, Heidi's knickers exploded, covering Spencer in shit! Fortunately, his mouth was open the entire time, so he swallowed a great deal of it. He leaned forward and puked. However, his head was still close to Heidi's gaping asshole, so she took a great big dump in his hair. Seconds before the show paused because of the technical difficulties, Brian pushed a button that made Spencer have explosive diarrhea. Stewie and Brian roared with laughter.
"I knew you'd love it," Stewie grinned.
"I gotta admit, I enjoyed that! This may be your best invention yet! Who should we get next? Tara Reid?"
"No, Brian! Hasn't life punished that poor girl enough already?"
"You're right...dating Carson Daly and starring in Josie and the Pussycats already shattered her spirit."
"Let me have a turn, Brian! I know the perfect target for my vengeance!"
"Let me guess: Lois, right?"
"No!" Stewie glared at Brian as he snatched the device. "Tori Spelling! Al Roker?"
"You know, Sigmund Freud would have a lot to say about your obsession with your mother if he were here right now."
Suddenly, Siegmund Freud exited the kitchen with a bowl of ice cream. "I like cocaine," he said as he headed for the door. "Guten nacht."
"Do you ever get weirded out when shit like that happens?" Brian asked.
"Brian, my father is teaching Beast Man how to read in the kitchen--you get used to weird in this house."
*********************************************************
Peter sat next to Skeletor's furry henchman Beast Man and handed him a magazine. "I've done all I can do...the rest is up to you."
"I-I can't!"
"Yes, you can, Beast Man! Do you think Skeletor wants an illiterate sasquatch in his evil army?? Now read, damn you...READ!"
"De-dear...P-P..."
"That's it, sound it out..."
"D-d-dear Puh...Pen...PENTHOUSE! Dear Penthouse, I f-first m-met D-duh-DEBBIE wh-while I was shopping for a bra! I did it, Peter!"
"No, WE did it."
"I love you, Peter," Beast Man said as he hugged Peter.
"I love you, too, you shaggy abomination."
*********************************************************
"Right, then, Lois it is!" Stewie exhulted and aimed the device at the TV. "We can watch her exquisite agony unfold on the telly."
Lois was standing in line at the bank when she first felt the urge. She ignored it and continued to wait patiently.
"Oh, not quite feeling it yet, Mother?" Stewie snarled. "Let's see what happens when I turn it up a notch!"
Suddenly, Emeril Lagasse, a chef from the Food
Network, appeared in a puff of smoke. "Y' need ta pay me for usin' my catch phrase, kid," he said.
"I said TURN it up a notch, not kick it up a notch, you chubby bastard!"
"Oh," Emeril replied. "Can ya pay me anyway?" Stewie pointed the device at him and pressed a button. "BAM! My bowels!" Emeril groaned and collapsed.
"Now, if there are no further interruptions..." Stewie aimed the device at the screen again and pushed the button again. Lois' eyes went wide as she felt the pressure building in her gut.
Fuck! she thought. Feels like my stomach's duking it out with Mike Tyson!
*********************************************************
Inside Lois' body, Mike Tyson was working her stomach over like a speed bag.
"I'm gonna moiderize you and eat your childrens," Tyson growled before he lunged forward and sank his teeth into it.
**********************************************************
"Arrgh!" Lois cried out and produced a massive burst of flatulence that filled the entire bank. "Oh my god!" Lois shrieked and fled the building.
"That's it, Mother--run!" Stewie cried triumphantly. "She hasn't suffered enough...I think it's high time we turned it up to 11!" Suddenly, the rock band Spinal Tap appeared in a cloud of smoke.
"Lissen, you wankers need to pay us for--" the lead singer began in his cod British accent.
"Yeah, yeah, pay you for using 'turn it up to 11,'" Stewie sighed. "That bit wasn't even funny the first fucking time! Look, if I give you each $100, will you fuck off?"
"Cheers," they said as they took the bills Stewie threw at them and left.
Lois ran into a nearby McBurger Town and sighed when she saw the long line at the ladie's room. "Dammit!" she swore. As her bowels began to fill with more and more manure("100% pure horse shit," Stewie beamed), she felt as if her insides were going to burst. With each silent fart, she felt a vile fluid bubble out of her ass and seep into her panties. After a few minute, the seat was totally soaked and starting to show through her pants.
If I wait any longer, I'm going to mess myself! Lois thought and fled in a panic. She breathed a sigh of relief as she spotted a Port-A-Potty at a construction site across the street. She made a mad dash for it, squeezing her butthole as tightly as she could. She entered the Potty and slammed and locked the door. She hovered over the pot and had just gotten her trousers down when she heard a familiar noise:
"Giggity!"
"What the hell? Glenn?" Lois turned around and looked into the pot-- "QUAGMIRE??" Sure enough, there was the face of her perverted neighbor peeking out of the toilet.
Um...hey, Lois," he said. "Fancy meeting you here!"
"Glenn, you son of a bitch!" Lois raved. "Get the hell outta here! Is that how you get your jollies, Glenn Quagmire? Crawlin' into Port-A-Potties and watchin' women goin' to the toilet? You ought'ta be ashamed of..."
"Enough talk!" Brian shouted, snatching the device from Stewie. "More action!"
"Brian are you...getting off on this??" Stewie asked.
"SHUT UP!" Brian snapped and put the device on maximum.
Lois groaned as more horse feces was beamed into her bowels. She bit her bottom lip as a pebble sized turd forced its way out of her. "Glenn, get the hell outta here", she said to Quagmire as he crawled out of the pot. "I gotta..."
It was too late. Lois sighed helplessly as her bumhole was wrenched open by the head of a massive turd. Quagmire watched spellbound as the poo noisily erupted into her knickers. There were several long unbroken logs that made her undies swell like a balloon. When there was no more room in her bulging panties, the mess came out of her legbands, slid down her legs, and coiled into her trousers, which were around her ankles. Finally, her knickers became so full that they slid off down her legs and rested atop her poo filled trousers. The poo continued to coil out of Lois and pile onto the mess.
"Oh god, what the hell's wrong with me???" Lois sobbed.
"This is the best day of my life!" Stewie laughed. "Finish her off, Brian!"
"Oh god, what am I doing?" Brian gasped, suddenly snapping back to his senses. "If this keeps up, I'll kill her!" Brian turned off the device and the last massive horse turd slid out of Lois and fell onto the pile beneath her.
"How could all of that have come out of me?" She gasped as she looked at the mess beneath her. Just then, she remembered that Quagmire had seen her befoul herself. "Glenn, please don't tell anyone about...Glenn?!?" Quagmire had passed out and drool was seeping from his open mouth--the sight of Lois pooping herself was too much for him to take. Lois pulled off Glen's jeans and shorts, grimacing at his hard on. She then wiped herself on his undies and slipping on his slacks. She then held her poo filled knickers over him and shook them out until Glenn's cock and balls were totally covered in horse poo. "Serves you right, you perverted bastard!" Lois hissed through gritted teeth. She then removed his shirt as well. "Have fun getting home naked!" She picked up her soiled garments and dropped them into the pot before she left.
Stewie took the device from Brian and slapped him. "I would have been free of that carrot topped harridan if you'd had the balls to take the killshot! Wait, where are you going?"
"I...uh... got something to take care of in the basement," Brian muttered in a daze as he hopped off the couch and took a picture of Lois off the mantle.
"I know what masturbation is, Brian....so, do you need any help with that?"
"What? NO!"
"Just putting the offer on the table...anytime you want to take me up on it, you just let me know."
"Um..yeah, ok. Don't lose that device...I wanna try it out again sometime."
"Y-you like it?" Stewie gasped.
"I love it!" Brian said, giving Stewie a friendly punch on the shoulder as he walked away.
Stewie rubbed the spot and giggled. "Look at me--I'm as giddy as a gym coach who's groped his first schoolgirl!"
***********************************************************
A fat man goes skipping through the halls of a school while "Ode To Joy" plays.
***********************************************************
"I'm wearing you down, Brian...someday, you will be mine!" Stewie squealed and hugged the device to his chest.
"CHRIS!" Meg shouted from upstairs. "NEVER go ass to mouth!"
THE END
Now stay tuned for American Dad and your late local news...LoL.