Posted by Lionheart on December 04, 1998 at 23:04
A few days ago, December 2nd to be exact, circumstances at my job allowed me to not have to come in until after lunch for some planned evening work. This meant I had the whole morning to myself, as my wife was at work and my daughter was in school. Needless to say, I decided I couldn't resist the idea of staging a public accident, so here's what happened!
I started the morning by drinking two large glasses of iced tea, followed by a large glass of water. I have some new jeans, I forget what brand, but they're pre-faded and snug but not too tight. I selected this pair that morning for the purpose of maximum visibility.
As I began to feel a definite and steadily increasing need to relieve myself, I donned a light grey windbreaker, got a towel and plastic trash sack to protect the car seat, and left the apartment for "some errands".
First stop was an Albertson's grocery store, where I went in and bought some chewing gum. Although I hadn't planned to let it happen there in the store, I did toy with the idea of playing desperate while waiting to check out, but decided against it, as the store was practically empty. The next alternative would have been to do it in the parking lot, as I was getting into the car, but as I left the store, no deserving spectators (girls like Marni, Beth, Diana, Kitten, Tabitha, or WetLady) were around, so I just held on. Walking was becoming noticably uncomfortable by now.
I drove around for awhile, and as the urge was becoming very strong, I decided to head for a Phillips 66. There are several near where I live, and the neat thing about them is that, if you try to use the restrooms, you find that they are often 1) Outside the normal building but right next to the gas pumps and within view of the clerk, which makes for being very visible but still being able to get away fast; 2) Usually locked, requiring you to go in and ask for a key, which means you can wait desperately in line and do the dance to whatever level you want while waiting for someone to pay for lottery tickets; 3) When you do get the key and stagger back out to the door, there are two places for the key, one in a separate deadbolt type lock (doesn't open the door), the other a little harder to notice because it's built into the doorknob (DOES open the door). Finally, at some point, you have to take the key back to the girl inside. I make sure it's a girl working before I commit to launch.
So, I've decided that these Phillips 66 stations (stone exterior construction) are the ideal location for a public accident, and decided I was going for it.
I pulled into one, and parked next to the restrooms but did so such that the car would not block anyone's view. I of course tried the door, which was locked, and to waste a little more time, knocked to see if anyone was inside, which of course they weren't. As I did this, I also scanned around to see if any deserving spectators were present, but it didn't look good. The only ones there were a woman just finishing pumping her gas and preparing to leave, and the Pepsi guy unloading his truck. I wasn't beyond holding it, so I decided to go in and ask for the key. I did mention to the clerk girl that it was an emergency, and she promptly handed it to me and made a point to tell me which slot to put the key into. I took it and went inside the restroom but didn't do anything except wait for about 2 or three minutes.
After coming out, I returned the key and left without incident. However, there was another P66 about two miles down the road, so I went there. A slightly chunky redhead with freckles was behind the counter, and I went in and waited behind lottery ticket guy for a minute or two, shifting from foot to foot, which did draw a momentary glance from the girl. As it became my turn, I asked her for the key and casually mentioned I was about to have an emergency. She handed it to me with a smile but no specific comment, and I walked with small, uncertain steps out to the mens room door.
There comes a moment for all of us that play this game, when you decide that this is it, we're go for liftoff, and that moment came, as I was in perfect view of her where she stood inside.
Trying to fit the key in (to the wrong slot), I started bending slightly and crossing and uncrossing my legs, and started to let go in a series of three or four short spurts, enough to make a noticable darkness on the front of my faded jeans. Then, I hobbled back into the empty store (except for the girl) to ask her if she gave me the right key. I was genuinely desperate, and still releasing a short spurt every five or ten seconds. I don't think she actually noticed any evidence then, as she explained hurriedly that I should use the other smaller slot. Once again, I walked back out, slightly doubled over, and stopped halfway between and let go for three or four seconds, and then proceeded, in short halting steps. Once at the door, I let go for several more seconds, until I was drenched down to halfway from my knees to my ankles.
Finally opening the door and going inside, I took out my tool and finished in the toilet, which still took over a full minute. I debated carrying my windbreaker in front of me, but decided not to. Hell, let her see the whole show, I thought.
I finally walked out, and was pleased to see that the only guy around was in a parked van, and he took no notice as I went inside to return the key. The girl looked up as I entered, but it was hard to tell if she could see directly what had happened. If she did, she kept a good poker face. As I handed her the key, I said "a little too late, I'm afraid".
She smiled a little and said, "Oh, that's okay", and that was that. I then drove away, and managed to get back into my apartment unnoticed.
For anyone looking to play the public accident game, check out these P66 stations, and you'll see what I mean. It gives new meaning to "convenience" stores!
LH
Email: lionheartokie@hotmail.com