Posted by Arnold Ziffel on December 01, 2010 at 16:37 [68.192.151.63]
Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of December 1, 2010.
Today’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) begins with Karen, a cute, smart but painfully shy freshman. She obediently rises and comes forward when I call her name, but I cannot help but notice how badly she is fidgeting. This concerns me. “Do you need to use the girls’ room, Karen,” I ask her. “No sir – I just went before I came here,” she tells me without even looking up at me. “I’m just really nervous,” she adds, “This is the first time I’ve ever had to come here.”
She is charged with “Clogging the Toilet” and “Wasting Toilet Paper”, but as I read the Violations Report, I have some questions as to these charges. I ask Mrs. Johns (our ace restroom monitor who has brought the charges against her) to explain. I was bathroom monitor in the Main Corridor girls’ room during 4th period this morning,” Mrs. Johns tells us, “I saw Karen rush in and take a stall.” “She was in there for a long while,” she adds, “And then when I finally hear the toilet flush, she comes running out of there with the toilet water running down the sides of the bowl.” “I went to look closer and saw this big mass of toilet paper in there along with quite a big bowel movement,” she further explains.
I thank Mrs. Johns for her detailed report, but I have to note a correction. “The charge of “Wasting Toilet Paper” means using it for something other than its intended purpose,” I explain to her, “It sounds like you mean to charge her with ‘Using Too Much Toilet Paper’ – which means that the girl just used more than was necessary.” “I don’t doubt that she used all of it for wiping herself so I guess I can’t say she was wasting it,” our ace restroom monitor explains, “But I can’t believe she really needed to use all that paper even for a bowel movement as big as she did.”
Accordingly, I amend the charge to the less serious “Using Too Much Toilet Paper.” That should be good news for Karen, but the poor girl is still fidgeting in place and still seems quite scared and nervous. I try to get her to relax. “I’m sorry, I’m just really worried about what is going to happen,” she tells me, still looking down at her feet and her hair partially covering her eyes. “A friend of mine was here last week and she got put on toilet suspension,” she explains, “I don’t want to go on toilet suspension, too – I don’t know what I’m going to do if you take away my toilet privileges.” “I just don’t want to be going to the bathroom in my pants everyday like she has to,” the freshman adds, finally looking up at me as I see tears starting to fall.
“Relax,” I tell her. “Your friend undoubtedly did something quite serious to get put on toilet suspension,” I explain, “You’re not going to get a toilet suspension for this unless you clogged the toilet on purpose, which nobody is saying that you did.” I tell her again to just relax and I ask her to just tell us what happened. “I had to go really, really bad,” she tells us, “I had been holding it in all morning and study hall 4th period was the first chance I got to go.” “I did a really big piece at first and I didn’t have to wipe that much,” she explains, “But then it felt like I had to go again, so I had to sit back down.” “I did a whole lot more,” she continues, “But this time it was all soft and messy and I had to wipe a lot.” “I didn’t mean to use too much toilet paper, but it’s just that I had to wipe a real lot after the second time,” she concludes, “And that was after I had already wiped twice from the first time.”
With that explanation, I cannot even conclude that she used too much toilet paper as it seems that it was all necessary for the wiping job that she had to do. Accordingly, I find her “Not Guilty” on that charge, but she is, or course, still guilty of “Clogging the Toilet.” “When you gotta wipe, you gotta wipe,” I tell her, “Don’t be afraid to use the toilet paper when you need it.” “But you can’t flush all that toilet paper together and not expect the toilet to get clogged,” I explain, “Especially when you have a big bowel movement in the bowel as well.” I suggest that when she does a big bowel movement like this, that she first flush the bowel movement and then start using the toilet paper or at least flush the first few wads of toilet paper before she starts using more. “Yes, sir – Thank you, sir,” she tells me, “I should have done that but I just didn’t think the toilet was going to get clogged.” “I know it was a lot in the toilet, but I still can’t believe that it was enough to clog,” she adds, “But I guess it did and I guess it was my fault.”
“Like I said, you didn’t do it on purpose, but you need to be more responsible when flushing the toilet,” I tell her. Accepting her plea of “Guilty” I note that this is a Category #2 clog – that is, clogging with a combination of toilet paper and fecal matter. Category #1 (which is clogging with fecal matter only) is the least severe while Category #5 (clogging with soiled panties) is the most severe. On the Category #2 charge, I give Karen the choice of 2 days in detention cleaning the bathrooms or 1 week of regular detention and writing, “I will not clog the toilet in school again,” 300 times. She chooses the regular detention and writing punishment – managing a small smile and an expression of relief that her punishment wasn’t much worse.
Handing her pen and paper, I point to a seat in the back of the room. “Get to it, young lady,” I tell her.
Before moving on to our second case this afternoon, I must take a moment to address a cute but ditzy sophomore blonde named Six. Six is sitting in the front row – the row reserved for defendants charged with bathroom violations – awaiting her appearance before the TVPC. The problem is that the talkative young lady can’t seem to sit still and keep quiet. “If you can’t sit still, you’ll await your turn standing in the corner,” I warn her, “And you should know that a writing assignment is automatic with that.” She nods her head indicating that she understands my point.
The next girl to face the TVPC is Natalie, a tall, well-built, well-endowed senior blonde. She was recently placed on a 2-week toilet suspension for clogging a toilet with her bowel movement and a sanitary napkin along with a good bit of used toilet paper. It was her second offense for flushing a sanitary napkin down the toilet and that was the gist of why a toilet suspension was necessary. As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, the toilet suspension is the most severe punishment that the TVPC can impose. Those on toilet suspension like Natalie are not allowed to even enter a school bathroom facility much less use one. If they can’t hold it in all day (and very few girls can), their only choice is to go in their pants and no changing or clean-up is allowed in school. Natalie is a friendly and likeable young lady who has never been a frequent toilet offender (except for several accidents of both varieties as a freshman) throughout her high school career, but the mess she caused by clogging and overflowing that toilet was just too much for her to avoid a toilet suspension.
Earlier today, I’m sorry to say, Natalie was caught violating her toilet suspension. “I was out by the storage shed trying to catch girls smoking out there,” reports Miss Mars, a young, enthusiast and downright gorgeous young gym teacher at our school, “I snuck around the back of the shed and caught Natalie right there squatting in the weeds.” “She was having a bowel movement back there and quite a big one at that,” the blonde-haired first year teacher explains, “And she had some notebook paper in her hand ready to wipe herself with.” Such is clearly a violation of TVPC regulations since girls on toilet suspension are not only prohibited from using the school toilets, but they are prohibited from going to the bathroom anyplace else, including outside during school. “Good work, Veronica,” I tell her, “I wonder if you missed your calling in not becoming a detective instead of a teacher.”
Turning to Natalie, she apologizes and pleads guilty but also pleads for leniency. “I had to go really, really bad,” the senior explains, “I had to go so bad that I almost didn’t make it out behind the shed in time.” “I know going in our pants is what’s supposed to happen when we get put on toilet suspension and I know it’s my own fault I got put on toilet suspension in the first place,” she continues, “But I just didn’t want to go in my pants – I just didn’t want to make #2 in my pants.” “That’s bad enough but I was supposed to have a job interview right after school,” she explains, “I just didn’t want to go to the interview with a mess in my pants – I was just desperate not to do it in my pants.”
I’m not unsympathetic to the girls’ situation and it’s hard not to feel sorry for Natalie, but violating a toilet suspension is a serious matter. “Toilet suspensions are supposed to have consequences and those consequences are supposed to be unpleasant,” I tell her, “And if you want to avoid having to go in you pants, you should avoid getting put on toilet suspension in the first place.” “And you certainly shouldn’t do anything to make it WORSE!” I tell her, a tinge of anger in my voice. “Yes, sir, I know it’s my own fault, sir,” a very contrite Natalie tells us, “And I know you have to punish me kind of bad for this.” “But please, whatever you do, please don’t give me another toilet suspension,” she begs desperately, “I only have a week to go – I’m begging you not to make it longer.”
“Under the circumstances, I’ll give you the minimum punishment, Natalie,” I tell her, “But that minimum includes 2 more weeks on toilet suspension.” “It also requires a mandatory 1,000 times writing punishment,” I also inform her and writing “I will not go to the bathroom outside while on toilet suspension.” 1,000 times will keep her busy for quite a while. “And there’s one other thing, Natalie,” I tell the now crying senior. Her original punishment for clogging and overflowing the toilet also included a week of cleaning toilets after school. However, in light of her toilet suspension (and in consideration of her otherwise good toilet record), I allowed her to postpone serving that punishment until her toilet suspension was over. That way, at least she wouldn’t be serving detention and having a longer school day on days when she was without her toilet privileges. “But since you violated your toilet suspension, you lose that courtesy,” I inform her, “You’ll report to the Main Corridor girls’ room after school tomorrow for the first of your 5 days of toilet cleaning.”
“Natalie, you’re just going to have to suck it up and serve your toilet suspension,” I tell her in closing, “And if that means messing in your pants sometimes, you’re just going to have to do and get used to it.” “You’re only making it worse if you don’t,” I warn her, “You got the minimum this time – I don’t think you want to try for the maximum.”
Calling our next case, I call the name of “Six” and I call the name of “Blossom” – 2 close friends (both sophomores) who will face the TVPC together today. According to the charges levied by our ace bathroom monitor Mrs. Johns, the two of them arranged to meet each other in the Science Wing girls’ room during 7th period this afternoon -- Blossom garnering a pass from her Advanced Chemistry teacher and Six securing a pass from her Freshman Earth Science class (a class she is repeating this year after she failed it as a freshman). “At first, I was just going to charge them with loitering since they were just standing there talking,” Mrs. Johns explains, “But then when I saw that they had passes from different teachers, I figured this was all arranged between the two of them.” “No way did these two friends get there by coincidence,” she adds, “But either way, neither of them was there to use the toilet.”
“No way indeed, Mrs. Johns,” I commend her, “That’s good work on your part.” Upon questioning, Blossom, clearly the smarter of the two and no doubt aware that lying only makes it worse, admits it was no coincidence. “We arranged to meet there,” the articulate sophomore honor student admits, wisely not dancing around the truth, “We didn’t get a chance to talk at lunch so we arranged to meet in the girls’ room during 7th period – we both had classes in the science wing that period.” “It was really stupid of us,” she adds.
These two girls have been long-time friends despite being very different. I’m not surprised at all to see Six involved in this sort of thing as the cute but ditzy sophomore is certainly no stranger to the TVPC. In addition to a panty-soiling offense last month, her toilet record includes twice leaving a bowel movement unflushed in the toilet, and twice disrupting TVPC detention with her incessant talking. Actually, if there is one thing that Six is proficient at it is talking and as I hear this case, I am dealing with Blossom as much as possible. When Six gets nervous or excited, she tends to talk so fast, it becomes impossible to understand her. For Blossom, a sometimes shy and quiet but otherwise well-spoken honor student (perhaps a genius), this is only her second ever appearance before the TVPC – her first appearance being back in September when she was charged with but found “Not Guilty” of soiling her panties. Though a sophomore, this is her first year with us, having transferred here from a private all-girls school after her freshman year.
“I’m surprised at you, Blossom,” I tell her, “I’m really surprised to see you involved in something like this.” While not exactly a serious offense (especially for a first time), this is not exactly a minor offense, either. “Since the two of you seem to have so much to talk about you can work together,” I tell them, “You can work together on a 1,000 word letter of apology to your teachers.” “In the letter you’ll apologize to them for lying about needing a girls’ room pass and leaving class under false pretenses,” I further explain, “You can write a single letter between you and then Six will handwrite one final copy for each teacher as well as one for the TVPC.” Knowing the two of them, I figure that Blossom will end up doing most of the work in actually composing the essay, so that’s why I’m making Six actually write them out. Blossom also gets 3 days in detention while Six, because of her record of other toilet offenses, gets a full week of detention. “A week,” she exclaims and then starts rambling on incoherently until Blossom wisely nudges her to be quiet. I also understand that each Science teacher has prepared a punitive homework assignment for the girls and I note that this will be part of their TVPC punishment. In other words, if they decide NOT to do it, they’ll be back here for more of the same.
Next, I call the case of Melissa, a sweet and friendly senior with light brown hair, who is charged with messing in her panties.
“Hold it!” I exclaim before the TVPC sinks its teeth into the next case, “I need Six to return to the podium please.” As Blossom and Six turned and started walking to the back of the room to begin serving their detention, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
“Do you have something you want to tell us, Six?” I ask her, “Do you want to explain that lump in the seat of your pants?” She looks at me feigning puzzlement, although I’m sure she knows exactly what I’m talking about. “Come on, Six – With pants as tight as yours, you can’t really think it isn’t obvious,” I tell her, “I saw it when you and Blossom were walking to the back of the room.” “Do I have to send you down the hall for a panty inspection or are you just going to admit it?” I ask. The reference to “down the hall” is to the 2nd Floor girls’ room which is just down the hall from the TVPC committee room. If Six is not going to admit to her soiling accident, I’m going to have to send her there with a female teacher to have a panty inspection – that is, Six will have her panties checked for an accident.
After a short pause, we finally get to the obvious. “I had an accident,” she admits, bowing her head in shame. Arranging her girls’ room visit with Blossom is the more serious offense, but this particular offense is obviously the more embarrassing of the two. “You went to all the trouble of getting a girls’ room pass during 7th period and you didn’t even bother to use the toilet?” I ask her. “I didn’t have to go then – I didn’t have to go until 8th period,” she tells us, “I was going to go before I came here, but then I got talking to people and I never got the chance.” She claims that her accident happened right here in the TVPC committee room as she was waiting for her case to be called. “You know if you hadn’t made me come here and made me wait, I never would have this accident in the first place,” she snaps back sarcastically.
“SIX!!” Blossom shouts from the back of the room, “Be quiet and just take your punishment.” Normally, I would discourage such an outburst, but Blossom is wise to stop her friend before she gets herself in more trouble. For a second panty soiling offense (and with that list of other offenses on her record), Six has to write “I will not soil my panties in school again.” 300 times and she gets 3 days in detention to go with the week she already has.
Now getting back to sweet Melissa, I apologize to her for the delay. “That’s OK” she tells me, managing a small smile, “It’s not like I was looking forward to this.” She is a friendly and well-liked senior who is perennially a source of good cheer throughout the school and she appears to at least be in somewhat good spirits about her accident today. Like our previous young lady, she is also quite embarrassed to be standing here with a load in her panties. Her pants aren’t nearly as tight as Six’s pants, but the load is big enough to put a lump even in the seat of loose-fitting pants.
“I’m surprised at you, Melissa,” I tell her, “It’s not like you to be having an accident – especially an accident as bad as this one.” “I know – I’m surprised at myself, too,” she tells me, “I really did mean it when I said that I wasn’t going to do this anymore.” Melissa’s high school career got off to a rough start when she had 9 messing accidents (many of them doubleheaders), 1 wetting-only accident, and numerous other violations during her freshman year. Then it all stopped for her sophomore year when she only had 1 accident early in the year. When she appeared before me then, she promised that she wasn’t going to go in her pants anymore and remarkably she held true to that until now. She had no toilet violations of any kind during her junior year, and now in her senior year she only has one violation – once leaving class without permission to go to the girls’ room.
She is not only embarrassed but quite disappointed in herself as it was important to her to fulfill her promise to me to never have another accident in school. “I’m sorry, Mr. Chairman,” she says again, “I really meant to keep that promise I made back then.” “You’ve done very well, Melissa,” I compliment her, “In spite of what happened today, you’ve come a long way since you were a freshman.” “I guess so,” she says with a small smile – once again showing her cheery good nature, “It’s just that it’s hard to feel proud when you’ve just done a really big load in your panties.” I guess it’s hard to argue with that.
“I was first feeling it during 7th period French,” she tells us, “I was feeling like I had to go a lot, but I didn’t think it was an emergency – Miss Defequer (her French teacher) doesn’t want us to leave class unless we have an emergency.” She knew she could wait until the end of the class, so that’s what she did. Her intent was to go between classes before her next class. “But then I could tell that it was going to me a big and messy one and that’s a real problem when you try to go between classes,” she points out, “I figured I’d just wait and use one of my bathroom passes during 8th period Accounting class.” Apparently, Mrs. Ledgersmith (her Accounting teacher) has some sort of system where they get a certain number of bathroom passes per marking period and you need one of these passes to go use the girl’s room during class. “I was sure that I had a girls’ room pass left,” she explains, “But I forgot that I got a pass taken away last week when I was late for class after using the girls’ room before class.” “I didn’t have a pass left,” she explains with a tinge of desperation in her voice, undoubtedly much like the desperation she felt a little while ago in Accounting class, “I couldn’t go to the girls’ room because I didn’t have a pass left.” Her teacher confirms the girl’s story. “It’s unfortunate but she had already used all of her girls’ room passes for the marking period,” Mrs. Ledgersmith tells us, “I’m sorry, but I don’t let anyone go without a pass.”
Finally getting to the matter of her punishment, I note that this is her first accident offense this year. However, since she has another other toilet violations this year, she is not entitled to get off with just a warning. She gets 2 days detention and has to write 200 times, “I will not soil my panties in school again.”
I am very surprised to see that our next case involves Jamie Lee, a tall, beautiful, mature senior. I am even more surprised at the reason – specifically, her messing in her panties. She is quite frankly the last person in the whole school I’d expect to have an accident – especially as severe as the one she had this afternoon. Unlike most of the other girls who are very shy and secretive about their bowel movements, Jamie Lee is not afraid to talk openly about them. She seems to always be talking about maintaining regularity and good bowel health and she is frequently encouraging other girls to go use the girls’ room when they need to rather than holding it in. As for her – she is always doing her bowel movements at school when she needs to and this is the first accident she’s ever had in high school – quite a remarkable record for a senior.
As for today’s mishap, Mrs. Garrett (a TVPC staffer) reports, “I was monitoring the cafeteria during 5th period lunch when all of a sudden Jamie Lee jumps up and makes a mad dash for the girls’ room.” “Then right there in the hallway she suddenly freezes,” Mrs. Garrett explains, “And then you could see this really big bulge growing in the seat of her jeans.” A mortally embarrassed Jamie Lee stands before us today and pleads “Guilty” to this very messy accident. “I just don’t know what happened,” she explains, “I was just sitting there in the cafeteria eating my lunch and all of a sudden I gotta go.” “All of a sudden I gotta go really, really bad and I can’t hold it in,” she continues, “I tried to make it to the girls’ room – I really tried – But I just couldn’t make it in time.” “I just had an accident right there outside the girls’ room door,” she says, breaking down in tears, “I can’t believe that I did my bowel movement in my pants.”
I try to comfort her. “Its’ just one accident – It’s not the end of the world,” I tell her, “Most of the girls at this school have done a lot worse than that.” I also tell her that since this is her first accident of the year and since she has no other toilet violations this year she is entitled to get off with just a warning and no actual punishment. I’m sure that’s good news for her but it does little to ease her embarrassment – no punishment I could have given her would be worse than her embarrassment, anyway.
“Thank you for not punishing me,” she says as she tries to wipe away her tears, “I just don’t know what happened – I never had to go so bad so quickly in my entire life.” I suggest that maybe it was something she ate. “I don’t think so,” she tells me, shaking her head, “I was just eating this new brand of yogurt, but I’ve been eating it for two weeks and nothing like this has ever happened before.” We both shake our heads puzzled. I guess the cause of her accident today will just remain a mystery.
I hear a slight groan in the committee room when I call the name of Topanga in our next case. The shapely well-endowed junior is well known throughout the school as an argumentative sort of girl – certainly not nasty or disrespectful but one who will argue even the smallest point. She’s also no stranger to the TVPC as she has 3 previous soiling accidents this year as well as a charge for clogging the toilet with one of her unusually large bowel movements. Fans of the TVPC may recall one such panty-soiling case from the 10/04/10 session of the TVPC.
Today, Topanga stands before the TVPC charged with “Leaving Class Without Permission To Use the Girls’ Room.” In reading the Violation Report on the charge, I needn’t even look as to who the teacher is. Of course, the teacher is Mr. Feeney, Topanga’s History teacher. He is one of the best teachers in the school but also one of the strictest. He doesn’t allow girls’ room passes during his classes at all (“you go on your own time” – “class time is my time”, he says) and it always seems that Topanga has to go when she’s in his class. Two of Topanga’s three previous soiling accidents this year have been in Mr. Feeney’s class and she is certainly not the only girl to have an accident because of his “no passes” policy.
“I had to go and I don’t mean only to urinate, either,” Topanga pleads, “There was no way that I was going to be able to hold it in until class was over.” “I asked for permission to go to the girls’ room but, of course, Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let me,” she explains, “He NEVER lets me go to the bathroom but, of course, it’s always my fault when I go in my pants.” “I’m tired of messing in my panties, especially in Mr. Feeney’s class,” Topanga pleads, “I just didn’t want to go in my pants again – That’s the only reason I left class and went to the girls’ room.” “I just wanted to go in the toilet instead of my pants,” she adds.
“Topanga knows the rules probably better than anyone else,” Mr. Feeney explains, “She knows that she has to take care of these matters before class time because I don’t give passes.” “It’s bad enough, young lady, when you’re irresponsible about your bodily functions and mess in your panties,” he tells Topanga, “It’s absolutely inexcusable when you openly defy me and leave my classroom without permission.” “I certainly think a toilet suspension is warranted here as well as a hefty writing assignment,” he argues, “I’m thinking 2 weeks without toilet privileges is exactly what Topanga needs to teach her a proper lesson.”
“All I did was go to the girls’ room and use the toilet,” Topanga tells us, raising her voice in a combination of frustration, anger and fear, “I get punished when I go in my pants and now when I go in the toilet you’re going to put me on toilet suspension and make me go in my pants all the time.” “I just get punished no matter what I do,” the girl says, fighting back tears at the prospect of a toilet suspension. I take a moment to calm her down. A toilet suspension is indeed one of the punishments that I may impose for leaving class without permission, but it is not mandatory. “I’m not sure a toilet suspension is warranted here, Topanga,” I tell her, “But I do need to know exactly what happened.”
Topanga goes on to explain, and Mr. Feeney confirms, that she did ask permission twice and stressed that it was an emergency. “I pleaded with Mr. Feeney that I was going to go in my panties if he didn’t let me go,” she says, “I told him that I was definitely going to mess in them and probably wet them as well.” Topanga also tells us that she never would have gone without permission if she wasn’t desperate and that she tried not to be disrespectful to Mr. Feeney in any way. “She told me that she was sorry for doing it, but she was desperate to go and was going to the girls’ room anyway,” Mr. Feeney confirms, “And when she got back she apologized again and sat right back down.” That’s an important point to the committee and that’s what’s going to save Topanga from a toilet suspension. If she had said anything disrespectful to her teacher at all or unnecessarily disrupted the class in any way, she would indeed be going on toilet suspension.
“Teachers are under no obligation to excuse you from class for bathroom reasons,” I lecture Topanga, “And the TVPC does not look kindly on girls who defy their teacher in this regard” “But given your otherwise respectful attitude toward Mr. Feeney and considering how desperate you really were for the toilet, you don’t deserve a toilet suspension for this,” I tell a very relieved Topanga, “But you won’t be so lucky if you do this again – either to Mr. Feeney or anyone else.” “Yes, sir,” she says contritely and unargumentatively.
Topanga won’t be getting a toilet suspension but that’s not to say that she’ll be getting off easy, either. She’ll write 500 times, “I will not leave class to use the girls’ room without permission again.” She’ll also serve 1 week of her 3rd period study hall sitting on the toilet in the Main Corridor girls’ room. “Perhaps by spending all that time on the toilet, you won’t have so many emergencies in Mr. Feeney class,” I add. She’ll also write her teacher a 1,000 word letter of apology. “You’d have been better off, punishment wise, just going in your panties,” I point out to her, “And that will be even truer if you find yourself in this situation again.” “Yes, sir,” she tells me. Hopefully, I’ve given her something to think about.
Before I gavel today’s proceedings closed, we have one more item added to the agenda – specifically a special report from Mr. Norton, one of the school’s very best maintenance men. A former sewer worker in New York City, we’re lucky to have him to keep our toilets in good working order. Mr. Norton reports that he has just finished unclogging a toilet in the Main Corridor girls’ room. “Was that the third stall from the left?” asks Mrs. Karbopple, a member of the TVPC. Mr. Norton confirms that it was and Mrs. Karbopple points out that this was the same toilet that Karen, the freshman from our first case was responsible for clogging. Apparently, it took until now for Mr. Norton to get to unclogging it. “Good job, Ed,” I tell Mr. Norton, “I understand that there was quite a load of toilet paper and fecal matter in that toilet.” “Indeed there was – It took a while to cut through all of that,” our maintenance man tells us, “But that wasn’t the real problem.” Mr. Norton then shows us a plastic bag containing the real source of the clog – a pair of very pink and very soiled panties that had been lodged in the bottom of the toilet. “All that other stuff certainly didn’t help much,” he advises us, “But that clearly wasn’t the source of the clog.” “These soiled panties were definitely the source of the clog,” Mr. Norton confirms. “Some girl obviously had an accident in her panties big time,” he adds, “And then she caused the clog when she tried to flush her panties down the toilet.” This is, of course, a Category #5 clogging – a very serious offense requiring a lengthy toilet suspension.
As the TVPC secretary gets the paperwork started on this violation, I begin the investigation by re-calling Karen back before the TVPC. At first, I’m not sure if this is good news or very bad news for her. Since the conclusion of our first case this afternoon, the shy freshman has been at a desk in the back of the room busily writing her punishment sentences. She dutifully returns to the podium when I call her name, but I don’t really think she understands the implications of what has happened. “Do you know anything about those panties in the toilet?” I ask her. “No sir,” she answers, “I was just in such a hurry to get onto the toilet at the time, I didn’t even look into the bowl.” “Are you wearing underwear now?” I ask her, getting more to the point – the implication being that she probably wouldn’t be wearing underwear now if she had tried to flush them down the toilet earlier.
Karen assures us that she is indeed wearing underwear and further assures us that, though it was a close call this morning, she did indeed make it to the toilet in time, she did NOT have an accident, and therefore certainly had no reason to flush her panties down the toilet. I’m not sure what to believe, although I am hoping that she is innocent and that I don’t have to impose the mandatory two months of toilet suspension (as well as 1,000 sentences to write and time in detention cleaning toilets) upon her. And that, of course, would be in addition to the punishment she would have to get for messing in her panties in the first place. But there is, of course, only one way to confirm whether or not she is telling the truth. “I’m not saying that I don’t believe you, Karen,” I tell the cute freshman, “But I am going to order that you have a panty-check.” “Miss Mars will escort you down the hall to the Second Floor girls’ room,” I explain, “And once there she will check to make sure that you are indeed wearing underwear as you say.”
After a pause of several minutes, the two return to the committee room and Miss Mars reports, “Karen is indeed wearing her panties.” “Not only that,” the lovely young gym teacher adds, “I’m happy to report that her panties are both clean and dry, showing no signs whatsoever of any accident.” “Thank you, Veronica,” I tell Miss Mars. This information is, of course, good news for the freshman, but not only because she is not being charged with the very serious offense of flushing panties down the toilet. Since it wasn’t her accumulation of toilet paper and fecal matter that clogged the toilet after all, I am pleased to revisit her original charge of “Clogging The Toilet.” I then amend the record and find her “Not Guilty” on that charge as well. She is guilty, however, of using a clogged toilet – specifically, “Defecating in a Clogged Toilet.” But that’s only a minor violation (you can’t always tell that a toilet is clogged when you sit down to use it) and for that, her punishment is merely to write “I will not defecate in a clogged toilet again” 100 times. Furthermore, since Karen has already written 40 sentences of her original 300 times punishment for clogging the toilet, I give her credit for those on her current punishment. She now only owes us 60 sentences. She now beams a broad smile, suddenly showing off the beautiful girl that she is. When she came here this afternoon she could never have imagine that she’d be leaving with such a small punishment. I feel happy for her.
As for the soiled panties flushed down the toilet, the TVPC will launch a full-scale investigation into that. I authorize that an announcement be made throughout the school tomorrow morning encouraging the perpetrator to come forward and admit her guilt. I direct that the standard announcement be made – that is, the longer and harder the TVPC has to work to find the girl responsible for that, the worse her punishment is going to be. And quite frankly, she is in enough trouble already without incurring any more of our wrath. As I said, the MINIMUM for flushing soiled panties down the toilet is a 2 month toilet suspension.
So concludes another session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee. Meeting adjourned at 4:02 PM.