Posted by Arnold Ziffel on December 21, 2010 at 21:03 [68.192.151.63]
Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of December 21, 2010.
As I open this afternoon’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC), I note that last night our school held its annual holiday concert. I am happy to note that the concert was both heavily attended and it received rave reviews. Unfortunately, though, it was not without several toilet violations from girls in the band and choir. Since this was a school program, the toileting behavior of the girls in the program comes under TVPC jurisdiction. In fact, since these girls were representing the school in the program, any toilet violations that they commit not only reflect badly upon themselves but upon the whole school. Consequently, these “while representing the school” violations are considered more serious than violations occurring during the regular school day, and they bring considerably more punishment.
The first case from last night’s program concerns Laurie, a tall and very skinny senior who plays the piano in our stage band. She is charged with messing in her panties (cute, yellow panties with PARTRIDGES on them) during the program – the accident not being particularly severe but certainly still quite shameful for a senior who has participated in a number of these programs over the years. In fact, not only does Laurie play the piano in the school’s stage band, she also plays the piano (and even sings a little bit) in her own family’s musical group.
This is Laurie’s first accident offense of the school year (and she has no other toilet violations this year, either), but since it happened “while representing the school” she is not entitled to be let off with just a warning as would be the case if her first accident happened during the regular school day. Still, it is surprising that a girl like Laurie, who is pretty good at not having accidents, would suddenly have one last night at a big school event. “I’m assuming from the lack of accidents on your school toilet record that you do make it a habit to regularly use the girls’ rooms at school,” I point out, “I can’t believe that you wouldn’t just go and use the girls’ room at the program last night.” Laurie explains that it’s all a matter of which girls’ room she has to use. “I don’t mind using the girls’ rooms at all,” Laurie explains, “But that’s assuming that I can get into the nicer girls’ rooms.” “The 2nd Floor girls’ room is the nicest, the science wing and the new edition are fine and even the Main Corridor girls’ room isn’t so bad if its’ not too crowded,” she tells us, “But they were all closed last night and the only girls’ rooms available were all downstairs and they’re horrible.” “If I’d only had to urinate that would have been one thing,” she adds, “But you really can’t expect people to be having their bowel movements in those girls’ rooms downstairs – especially with that big crowd there last night.”
“I’m not interested in whether or not you like a particular girls’ room,” I tell her, “But you are certainly expected to use it rather than going in your pants.” “Shame on You, Laurie,” I tell her, “You know very well that’s no excuse for messing in your panties.” “Yes, sir,” the skinny senior acknowledges, “I didn’t mean it so much as an excuse – I just wanted to explain what happened.” “I know I’m guilty and I guess I have to be punished,” she explains, “I was just hoping that I could address the committee about my punishment.” Laurie has aspirations of becoming a lawyer and she often speaks like one. Quite frankly, I don’t know why she even bothers with that family musical group of hers. She’s really into being a lawyer, but with the music, she only seems to be going through the motions.
In her defense, Laurie mentions that her accident wasn’t that bad (“I did most of it in the toilet when I got home,” she claims) and that since she was always in the back during the show, no one could see what she did. Consequently, she claims, she didn’t embarrass the school too much with her accident. She repeats her earlier statement about the upstairs (with the better girls’ rooms) being blocked off last night and she reminds us that this is only her first accident of the school year and the first, in fact, since early in her sophomore year. Of course, I consider all that, but I don’t find it very compelling at all. “You messed in your panties at a big school event in front of lots of people,” I remind her. Accordingly, I sentence her to write 500 times, “I will not soil my panties in school or at school events again.” I also sentence her to serve a full week of after-school detention.
“F-F-F-Five hundred times,” Laurie stammers (which is quite unusual for her), “I have to write 500 times for just one accident and serve a week of detention, too?” “I did most of it in the toilet and no one in the public even knew what I did,” she argues, “If not for the girls right next to me smelling it, no one would have even known what I did.” “Other girls in the band obviously managed to use the girls’ room just fine last night and girls on athletic teams have to use port-o-potties at games sometimes,” I explain to her, “And they get punishments just as bad as yours if they have accidents instead of using them.” “Yes, sir,” Laurie responds, calming down a bit, “I just don’t think that my punishment is fair at all.” “You have a right to think what you want,” I tell the future lawyer, “And you can think it all you want while you’re writing 500 times and serving 5 days in detention.
Our second case from last night’s holiday program is another panty soiling case. This one is about Claudia, a shy, quiet, but highly talented freshman violin player. Her performance last night as the featured violinist on a medley of traditional Christmas songs was surely the high point of the program. The low point of the program, however, was surely the fact that Claudia gave her stunning violin performance with a very obvious mess in her panties. It may seem strange to use a word like “admire” with respect to an act of soiling one’s panties, but you really have to admire how Claudia, with quite a big load in her panties, stood front and center in a packed auditorium and played her violin flawlessly. She also performed admirably later in the program with four other featured performers in something we call the “PARTY OF FIVE Ensemble”. Her actions in soiling her panties, however, are obviously inexcusable.
While her guilt is readily obvious and likewise the distinction of this being an accident “while representing the school”, determining the appropriate punishment is a difficult question. She is a sweet and immeasurably likeable young lady except perhaps if you have to sit next to her when she has a mess in her panties. But she is also painfully shy and very apprehensive about having bowel movements in the girls’ rooms at school – her 3 previous messing accidents and 2 cases of faking illness to use the bathroom in the nurse’s office are evidence of that. But I know she’s trying really hard to do better and before last night it had been almost a month since her last accident. I understand that she’s only a freshman trying to get used to using our school’s girls’ rooms and I can sympathize with her having such an accident a lot more than I can for a senior such as Laurie doing it. But then again, unlike Laurie who only went a little bit in her pants and largely went unnoticed in the background, Claudia obviously did her whole bowel movement in her panties and standing front and center as the featured violinist, had her accident on display for the whole auditorium to see. “I’m sorry – I’m really sorry,” Claudia tells us before breaking down in tears and crying on the shoulder of her older sister, Julia. Obviously, Claudia is already terribly embarrassed for herself over what she did, but I have to consider how what she did embarrassed the whole band and even the whole school.
“This was really bad,” reports Mr. Hornman, the band director, “It not only was a big mess in her pants, but it happened at the worst of times,” “There was just this huge lump in the back of her pants,” he explains, “It was just impossible not to notice it – The whole auditorium could tell what she’d done.” “I saw Claudia just sitting there during the intermission,” reports Meredith, a senior and a section leader for the band, “You could see that she was clenching her butt cheeks together like she had to go really bad.” “I had to go really bad myself so I asked Claudia if she wanted to come with me,” Meredith continues, “But she just pretended like she didn’t have to go.” “I saw her holding it in, too, and she looked really desperate,” reports Barbie, another girl in the band, “I offered to go with her to the girls’ room, but she insisted that she didn’t need to.” “Obviously, she was lying,” Barbie, a junior, adds. “I feel bad for her – I know how shy she is about going #2 in school,” Meredith adds, “I don’t like going #2 in school, either, but I know that sometimes I just have to.”
None of this is good news for the shy, toilet-troubled freshman, but I give her the chance to explain herself. “I’m sorry – I’m so sorry,” she repeats in tears, “I just wanted to go at home instead of at school.” “I didn’t want to go in my pants – I really didn’t,” she says, “I just wanted to hold it in until I got home.” “Claudia, you knew you weren’t going to be able to hold it in until you got home,” I tell her firmly, “You knew that you were going to end up going in your pants, didn’t you? – But you still wouldn’t go to the girls’ room like you should.” Claudia just nods her head in acknowledgement and once again breaks down in tears on her big sister’s shoulders. “She’s trying to do better, she really is,” Julia (a junior) tells us, “She really is starting to do her BMs at school sometimes.” “I meet her in the girls’ room at lunchtime everyday now and we go together,” big sister says, “Claudia even did a BM at school this afternoon.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Julia,” I tell her, “But there is really no excuse for what happened last night – I’m afraid that Claudia not only embarrassed herself but the whole band and the whole school. “I wish that I could have been there last night, but I had to work,” Julia says, “I would have taken her to the girls’ room with me and none of this would have happened.” “It’s all well and good that you’re helping her, Julia,” I acknowledge, “But obviously you can’t always be there to help her.” “Your sister is in high school now and she obviously has to learn to take care of these things whether you’re there or not.” I point out, “We simply cannot allow her to keep messing in her panties, especially not while representing the school at band performances.”
“I’m sorry Claudia, but what you did last night was a disgrace to the whole school and I can’t ignore that,” I tell her, “My job is to make sure that you’re punished enough so that it won’t happen again – I have to make sure that you’re punished enough so that you won’t even think of messing in your panties again.” Accordingly, I’m going to make her write “I will not soil my panties in school or at school events again.” 1,000 times. I also give her a stern sentence of 2 weeks of after-school detention with the time to be spent sitting on the toilet. And she’ll sit her time in the girls’ room by the gym (actually between the gym and the auditorium) – the girls’ room that she should have used last night. “A th-th-th-thousand times?” she asks in a bit of a state of shock, and she mentions that she never even had to write 500 before much less 1,000 times. “Your prior 3 messing accidents only embarrassed yourself,” I explain, “This was the first time you managed to embarrass the whole school as well.” “If it happens again, you’ll write the 1,000 times on the blackboard,” I warn her, “I hope you’ll think about that the next time you need to have a bowel movement at school.”
Julia also questions the severity of Claudia’s punishment, noting that I’ve not only given her 1,000 lines to write, but that the sentence itself is longer than the one that I usually assign for panty-soiling offenses. She also mentions that her 2 week sentence of after-school detention with interfere with violin lessons. “She’s flawless on the violin already” I tell her, “Where she needs practice is with her toilet habits not the violin.”
Unfortunately, I also have to address this matter with Mr. Hornman, the band director. I suggest to him that perhaps we need to reconsider whether Claudia should be featured so prominently in future band performances. “We certainly don’t want a repeat of what happened last night,” I remind him, “If she’s going to have another accident, at least let it be in the background like Laurie’s case.” Claudia looks disappointed, but this angers Julia. “What kind of Bullshit is that!” she says, “Claudia is the best violinist you have by far,” “I agree,” I tell her, “And it would really be a shame if her poor toilet habits interfered with that.” Mr. Hornman (who obviously wants to see his star violinist featured prominently) suggests that we wait and review this matter prior to the next band concert. “Perhaps with the punishment that she’s been assigned today, Claudia will finally learn her lesson,” he points out, “And I’m sure Julia will be a good big sister and continue to help her get more comfortable going at school.” We are all in agreement on that point and leave this an open question.
“Good luck to you, Claudia,” I tell the poor girl, “I really wish that I didn’t have to be that severe with you, but I really hope you learn your lesson from this.”
“Not so fast, Julia,” I tell her as the pretty dark-haired junior turns to leave, “There is still the matter of your outburst of a little while ago.” “Yes, sir – I’ve very sorry about that sir,” she tells me, “I guess I just lost my head for a minute – It won’t happen again.”
“It better not,” I tell her, “But just the same, we’ll give you a little incentive to keep your mouth in check.” “I’m assigning you to write a 5,000 word letter of apology to the TVPC,” I explain and announce for the record. “FIVE thousand words?” she asks in disbelief.” “Yes FIVE thousand words,” I tell her firmly. But I do understand that she was only here in support of her sister and that she really is working hard to help her overcome her toilet problems in school and I appreciate that.” Accordingly, I tell her, “I’ll only make you write 2,000 words now and if you can go 2 months without another violation like that that will be the end of your punishment.” “But if you have another violation for mouthing off to the TVPC or anyone else, you’ll get those 2,000 words back and you’ll have to finish it – all FIVE thousand words,” I continue, “And that will, of course, be in addition to any punishment your get for that violation itself.” “I understand, sir – I won’t be saying anything like that again.” “Let’s hope not for your sake,” I caution her, “Your 2,000 words are in due in 1 week – Being late with them will also void your conditions and cause you to have to do the 5,000 words.”
Thankfully, our third case from last night’s program is not an accident case. It was almost an accident case, but fortunately, Erica, an outgoing junior redhead in the school choir was able to avoid that. Unfortunately, she avoided that by having her bowel movement (as well as a urination) in the faculty ladies’ room. Students are, of course, prohibited from using any of the staff bathrooms. Apparently at the program’s intermission, while most members of the band were appropriately using the girls’ room (and Claudia and Laurie were well on their way to messing in their panties), Erica made her way upstairs and did her own business in the faculty ladies’ room. While this does qualify as a toilet violation “while representing the school” and she’ll receive an enhanced punishment because of it, it obviously doesn’t cerate as much embarrassment to the school as Claudia’s messy panties violation (or even Laurie’s for that matter), so the punishment need not be that much greater than for a regular violation occurring in school.
“I was holding it in through the first part of the show, but by intermission I really had to go bad,” she tells us, “I couldn’t hold it in much longer and I just didn’t want to go in my pants.” “I’m sorry for using the teachers’ bathroom, but I was really desperate,” she says, “I just didn’t want to go in my pants.” “You know that I used to mess in my panties a lot when I was a freshman,” she reminds us, “But I don’t do that anymore.” “I learned to have my bowel movements at school when I need to,” she says, “It’s just that I’m not really comfortable doing it in all the girls’ rooms – I only like certain ones.” “And I suppose the faculty ladies’ room is one of those nicer ones that you are comfortable using?” I ask her. “It was really nice,” she says with a smile, “Its way nicer than even the 2nd Floor girls’ room.” The 2nd floor girls’ room is generally regarded as the school’s nicest student facility.
As to her punishment, she is correct that she was better off going in the faculty ladies’ room than in her panties, but that decision is still not without it’s consequences for her. “It’s admirable that you didn’t want to go in your pants,” I tell her, “And it’s even more admirable that you didn’t actually go in your pants.” “You obviously knew very well that the teacher’s bathroom was off-limits to students, but you used it anyway,” I explain, “And for that, of course, you will be punished.” “You make it sound like your only choices were to use the faculty bathrooms or go in your panties,” I tell her sternly, “You know very well that isn’t true – You know very well that there were student girls’ rooms that you could have used.” “Yes, sir, I didn’t mean to imply that, sir,” she says, “I know that I should have used one of the regular girls’ rooms and it’s my fault that I didn’t.” “I just didn’t want to use any of the girls’ rooms down there – especially with the crowds,” she tells us, “I know it was wrong, but I figured the faculty bathroom was better than my pants.”
She’ll have to write 300 times, “I will not use the faculty ladies’ room again,” 300 times and she’ll join Claudia (for 1 week, anyway) in the girls’ room near the gym for a week of detention sitting on the toilet. “A whole week?” she asks surprised, “And in that nasty girls’ room by the gym?” “That’s the girls’ room that you should have used last night,” I explain, “So that’s the girls’ room where you’ll sit your punishment.” “Please, sir, can you let me sit my punishment in one of the upstairs bathrooms,” she pleads, “You never even made me sit down there when I had all those messes as a freshman.” Her request is denied. “Consider yourself lucky if I never made you sit on the toilet in that girls’ room before,” I tell her.
Lyndsey, a blonde-haired senior with a star complex, comes to us directly from the Principal’s office where she has just been suspended from school for leaving school grounds during lunch and returning to school drunk. She was indulging in some Christmas cheer a little early, I suppose. This is quite a shocking development for a girl with no prior disciplinary incidents this year either before the TVPC (which punishes toilet related violations) or the Principal (who punishes other breaches of the school disciplinary code). The offense of drinking during lunch is, of course, a matter for the Principal and he has already issued Lyndsey a 5 day suspension from school. The matter now comes before the TVPC because in addition to drinking during lunch, the pretty blonde senior has wet her pants. Actually, to only call this “Pants Wetting” does not do it justice. This girl has completely soaked her pants. She either has one enormous bladder and lost control of it completely or she has been wetting herself repeatedly since drinking this afternoon. Either way, the seat and crotch of her jeans are both completely saturated with her urine as are the inner thighs down both of her legs. There are wet marks on her jeans right down to her feet. I wonder if even her socks got wet. It is quite a shameful display.
As she stands before the TVPC and pleads “Guilty” (how could she plead otherwise), it is rather apparent that she still is not completely sober. “Did you have a nice lunch today?” I ask her. “I feel like I’m going to throw up again,” she answers. That being said, I figure we best complete this case as soon as possible and send her on her way – her TVPC punishment to be completed when she returns from her school suspension. But this is a bit of an unusual case and I suddenly find myself searching the TVPC rulebook. This is, above all else, a case of panty wetting and therefore not all that serious – especially when it’s only a first offense this year. As a first accident offense and with no other toilet violations this year, the only punishment from me would be a warning. But this is hardly a simple panty wetting accident. The accident is no doubt the result of Lyndsey’s alcohol consumption earlier this afternoon.
I search the TVPC rulebook to find the regulations related to alcohol-related wetting accidents – obviously that should make this a more serious case. But the operative word in that sentence is “should.” An exhaustive check of TVPC regulations, however, does not reveal any provision providing for extra punishment for an alcohol-induced wetting. I am, quite frankly, stunned at this development. If this had been Lyndsey’s second accident of the year or worse, or if she had another violation on her record, I could at least give her the maximum punishment allowed for a regular panty-wetting offense. But as a first accident violation of the year and with no other TVPC offenses, the maximum punishment that the very wet and drunken senior can get is a warning. “You actually DESERVE a pretty severe punishment for this,” I tell her, “But all I am able to give you now is a warning.” It will stand as a panty wetting offense on her toilet record and it will certainly be noted that it was alcohol-induced and quite severe, but there will be no punishment from the TVPC.
Tiffany, a cute blonde sophomore appears before the TVPC next and she is charged with one of the TVPC’s most serious offenses – that is, flushing messy panties down the toilet. As fans of the TVPC may recall from our 12/01/10 session, messy panties were found clogging a toilet in the Main Corridor girls’ room. Subsequent to that, the TVPC launched a full-scale investigation to find out whose panties they were. It’s taken a while but thanks to some great detective work by Mrs. Johns and Miss Mars, we now have the culprit before us. Obviously, she had an accident in the panties and then tried to escape punishment by trying to flush those panties down the toilet. Of course, that only makes things worse – much, much, much worse.
Tiffany, though, denies the charge. Actually, she denies both charges – first, messing in her panties and second, that of flushing them down the toilet. “I don’t know what Mrs. Johns and Miss Mars are talking about,” the blonde-haired cutie claims, “I didn’t even have to go BM at school that day.” “I just went to the girls’ room at lunchtime to pee that day,” she adds, “So I certainly didn’t mess in my panties and I’d have no reason to flush them down the toilet.” “Oh really?” Miss Mars asks her, “So then Mr. Slate (her 2nd period Geology teacher) is lying when he says he excused you from class that day to go to the girls’ room?” “He said you begged him that you had to go really, really bad and that if he didn’t let you go, you were going to mess in your panties,” Miss Mars adds. Trying to think quickly, Tiffany nervously explains, “Oh yeah, that’s right I did have to go that day.” “Mr. Slate did give me permission to go and I went and did it in the toilet,” she claims.
“So, is that the story you’re sticking to now?” I ask her sarcastically. “That is what happened,” an increasingly nervous young lady insists, “I went BM in the toilet not in my panties.” “Oh really?” Miss Mars asks again with a smile, “If that were the case, you’d have no reason to be without panties on, right?” Tiffany looks at our ace TVPC investigator puzzled. “If you didn’t try to flush your panties down the toilet, you’d still have those panties?” the very gorgeous Miss Mars clarifies her question, “I mean, you’d still be wearing those panties later that day?” “Yes, Ma’am” Tiffany answers nervously and not very convincingly. “We have a number of witnesses that say you weren’t wearing panties when changing for gym class later that day,” Mrs. Johns explains, “I wonder what did happen to your panties that day.” “Lying only makes it worse,” I remind the toilet troubled sophomore, “Don’t you think you’re in enough trouble already without making it worse on yourself?”
Breaking down in tears, she admits the whole sordid starting with how she didn’t quite make it to the girls’ room in time. “Mr. Slate didn’t let me go right away when I first asked,” she reports. “I had to beg several times before he’d let me go,” she says, “But then I had an accident just as I was getting to the girls’ room.” She then tearfully admits the worst part – that of cleaning herself up in the girls’ room and then trying to flush her messy panties down the toilet. “I was desperate – I didn’t know what else to do,” she admits. “They were a mess and I just wanted to get rid of them,” she explains, “I didn’t want to get caught with another mess – I have 3 messes already this year.” “I was already grounded for an accident I had like 2 weeks before that,” she adds, “I was going to be grounded over Christmas vacation if I got caught with another one.”
Taking first things first, I punish her for messing in her panties. For that, Tiffany has to write 500 times, “I will not soil my panties in school again.” She must also serve 5 days in detention. Normally, this would be detention time sitting on the toilet, but after trying to flush messy panties down the toilet, this young lady will obviously not be seeing a school bathroom for quite some time. Instead, she’ll serve her detention time right here in the back of the room – standing in the corner facing the wall for the full hour each day. Moving on to the more serious charge, I can only shake my head at how much worse this young lady has made it for herself. “2 months on toilet suspension is the MINIMUM punishment for flushing panties down the toilet,” I explain to her, “But you also made the TVPC investigate this matter for 20 days.” In light of that, I instead sentence her to 3 months on toilet suspension. She’ll also have to write “I will not flush my panties down the toilet in the girls’ room again.” 1,000 times and she’ll spend 3 weeks in detention cleaning bathrooms – both mandatory punishments for what she’s done.
Unfortunately for her, it doesn’t even end there. She, of course, further compounded her guilt by lying to the TVPC. I do feel bad for the punishment that she’d gotten already, but we simply cannot tolerate a girl lying when she appears before our committee. “That’ll be another 500 times and another week in detention,” I tell her – the sentence to be written being “I will not lie to the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee again.” “Consider yourself lucky not to be charged with 2 separate counts of lying,” I tell her, “You almost got an additional 1,000 sentences for that.” I seriously doubt, though, that she considers herself lucky and I can’t say that I blame her.
Still in tears, she asks how long she has to finish her writing punishments. “One week,” I tell her, “The 1,000 times punishment and both 500 times punishments are due one week from today.” She then asks for an extension of time to get them done. I must, however, deny that request. I also clarify for her, the rules concerning TVPC detention – specifically our policy that the most severe detentions are always served first. So she’ll do the 3 weeks of toilet cleaning detention first, followed by the 1 week of standing in the corner detention and then finally, the 1 week of regular detention that she picked up for lying to the TVPC. I’m told that the combination of a toilet suspension along with toilet cleaning punishment is agony indeed. The girl is forced to clean toilets that she is forbidden to use, usually while desperately trying to hold it in a little while longer in detention after a long day in school.
Obviously, poor Tiffany leaves the TVPC as one very sorry young lady. In closing, I thank Mrs. Johns and Miss Mars for their great detective work in this very difficult case.
Faithful readers of the TVPC know that the vast majority of cases come to us from teachers – that is, a teacher catches a student in violation of TVPC regulations and files charges, bringing them before the TVPC. But pretty much anyone can file charges to bring a case before the TVPC. Occasionally, a student will file a case against another student. I don’t ever remember a day like today, however, where we have two separate cases brought by other students.
The first case, the more serious case, is a charge of smoking in the New Edition girls’ room. The charge has been brought by a senior named Jackie against a fellow senior named Elizabeth. These are usually tough cases to decide because without another witness, it’s one girl’s word against another and we do get cases where students falsely accuse another. This case is particularly difficult because Elizabeth is certainly no stranger to the TVPC (she’s had more than a handful of accident offenses throughout her high school career – including one of each variety this year), but the tough-talking and tough-acting senior brunette in skin tight jeans she has never done anything serious like smoking in the girls’ room before. I have my ways, however, of getting to the truth.
“Smoking in the girls’ room is a pretty serious offense,” I tell her, “For a first offense, a girl could get put on toilet suspension for up to 2 weeks.” “But as long as the girl is honest about it and sorry for what she did, I usually don’t put them on toilet suspension for a first offense,” I explain to her, “The girl would get plenty of sentences to write and will have to spend some time in detention, but at least she’ll keep her toilet privileges.” “On the other hand, if a girl tries to lie her way out of this, she can pretty much count on getting a toilet suspension along with everything else I’ve mentioned,” I explain further, “And she’ll probably get some extra punishment for the lying itself.”
I then pause for another moment to let my message sink in and then ask her for her plea to the charge. She pauses for a moment with a distinct look of dread on her face, and then Elizabeth makes the right decision. “Guilty”, she reluctantly pleads. “I did it,” she tells me, “The truth of the matter is that Jackie is right – I was smoking in the girls’ room.” She goes on to tell us that she doesn’t know why she did it. “I know smoking is bad for you and that you can get in serious trouble for smoking in the girls’ room, but I guess I just wanted to try it,” she tells us, “It was just a really stupid thing I did.” “Smoking was indeed a stupid thing to do, especially in the girls’ room at school,” I explain, “But at least you did the smart thing in being honest about it and taking responsibility for it.” “I trust that you didn’t like smoking,” I explain to her, “But now I’m going to give you something to help you hate it even more.
Her punishment will be a full week in detention and writing 1,000 times, “I will not smoke in the girls’ room again.” She questions the severity of that punishment and she begs me to reconsider, telling me, “The worst I ever had to do before was 500 times and that was way back when I was a freshman – the worst I’ve had to do recently was 250 times.” “I was honest about it and admitted what I did,” she reminds us, “Doesn’t that count for something?” “Yes it does,” I inform her, “It counts for you not getting a toilet suspension – It counts for you still being able to use the toilet when you need to, but your writing punishment stands as does your detention.” “Yes, sir,” she answers dejectedly as she contemplates the many long hours of torturous writing that it will take to complete her punishment assignment.
Our second student brought case involves two sisters – specifically a senior named Marcia and a sophomore named Jan. Both have hair of gold (like their mother, I’m told) and both are very pretty in their own right. But while Marcia is just brimming with poise and self-confidence (and has an impeccably clean toilet record), Jan is plagued by self-doubts, self-consciousness and jealousy for her older sister and has a downright shameful toilet record. At our 11/15/10 session, Jan was sentenced to write, “I will not provide false information to the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee again.” 500 times for falsely accusing Marcia of having a soiling accident. This time, it is Marcia accusing her younger sister Jan of having a soiling accident. Marcia has no accidents of either variety in her high school career. Jan, on the hand has done 3 soiling accidents already this year on top of a staggering 11 she did in her freshman year
Jan has pleaded “Not Guilty” to the charge, but it seems that Marcia has brought the evidence. “These are Jan’s panties from yesterday,” Marcia tells us, holding up a plastic bag containing very soiled panties, “She hid these in her underwear drawer after she got home from school yesterday.” “I don’t know how she managed not to get caught at school with these,” Marcia explains, the reference being to how badly these panties are encrusted with fecal matter, “But somehow she did manage to make it home without getting caught.” I guess she then cleaned herself up and hid the panties so no one would find out,” Marcia adds. “Honestly, Jan,” she says to her sister, “Did you really think no one was going to smell a load like that sitting in your underwear drawer?” “
Turning my attention to a mortally embarrassed (what else is new!) Jan, I address her plea of “Not Guilty.” “Are you about to tell me that those are NOT your underwear that Marcia has brought to share with us?” I ask her. “No sir, they ARE my underwear and I did do the mess in them,” Jan acknowledges, “But the thing is that I didn’t mess in them in school.” “You go in your panties at places other than school now,” Marcia says mockingly, “I wouldn’t brag about that if I were you.” That last comment draws a warning from me to Marcia and I direct Jan to explain further. “It happened on the way home from school,” Jan explains further, “I was able to hold it in until school got out, but I just couldn’t make it home in time.” “The mess didn’t start until I was off school grounds and on my way home,” she adds, “And it kept getting worse and worse as I was walking home.” “Oh Jan, do you really expect us to believe that,” Marcia tells her sister sarcastically, “It all just magically happened after you left school grounds.”
“Actually, Marcia, I do believe your sister,” I tell the senior, “You said it yourself how you didn’t understand how, with a load like that, she didn’t get caught at school.” “Not having done it until she was off school grounds would explain why such a massive bowel movement in Jan’s panties went undetected at school,” I point out, “There really is no other explanation for that.” There really is no way for us to be certain whether Jan’s accident happened on school grounds or off of school grounds. Personally, I suspect that she may have had a little bit in her panties already at school, but the worst of it didn’t happen until she was on her way home. It’s hard to hold it in a big load like that for a long time at school without at least some of it coming out in your panties and it’s hard to hold back a big bowel movement like that while you’re walking home from school. But we have no proof that any of it happened on school grounds and I can’t punish her for a mess she did while walking home from school.
My finding of “Not Guilty” brings a big smile to Jan’s face and a look of disappointment to Marcia’s. “She was no doubt holding it in all day at school instead of going to the girls’ room like she should,” Marcia argues, “And no matter where she finally did the mess in her panties, it only happened because she refused to go at school.” “Sorry, Marcia, she’s allowed to hold it in if she can,” I explain to the senior, “And the TVPC simply cannot punish her for something she does away from school.” A smiling Jan takes the occasion to stick her tongue out at Marcia. “I wouldn’t be too pleased with myself right now, Jan,” I admonish her, “Regardless of the verdict here you still shamed yourself quite badly with that big load in your panties.” “And even though you’re not getting punished here, I suspect that your father is going to have something to say about this when you get home,” I add. Now Jan is upset again and Marcia is smiling. “I can’t wait to show Dad your underwear and tell him how you hid them so you wouldn’t get caught,” she tells her sister with glee. Marcia’s delight at her sister’s accident and impending punishment from their parents seems a bit disturbing, but I suspect it is, at least in part, in retaliation for Jan falsely accusing Marcia of having an accident herself – a case that we dealt with back during our November 15, 2010 session.
Just as the TVPC clerk is about to hand the offending underwear back to Marcia, I stop him. “Actually, those panties belong to Jan,” I tell him, “And they should go back to Jan not Marcia.” “Those panties are yours to do with as you wish, Jan,” I tell the sophomore.” Marcia’s face then drops from disappointment while Jan’s looks at least a little relieved. I suspect that Jan will be getting rid of those panties before Marcia has a chance to show them to their parents. “Jan, just make sure that whatever you do with them, you do it off school grounds,” I warn her with a little smile. I certainly hope that after watching what happened to Tiffany, Jan is smart enough not to try to flush those panties down the toilet.
Let’s just hope that this is the last that the TVPC has to see of these two sisters and hear of their strange family dramas. Maybe they can make a Christmas special about these family dramas – I even hear that the girls’ mother has laryngitis and is going to miss singing in church on Christmas – unless, of course, they have a Christmas miracle.
I thought that Jan was going to be our last case, but it seems we have another case – a case that has just been brought to us. It involves Deanna, a boy-crazed senior with supermodel good looks. Earlier in the year, on two separate occasions, she found herself in detention from the principal (rather than the TVPC because these were not toilet related offenses) for her boy-crazed antics. On the first occasion she had to write “I will not chase the boys.” 500 times and the second time, she had to write it 1,000 times. Lately, though, her action seems to be focused on just one boy – specifically Will, a handsome young man who is also a member of our wrestling team. Will is also here but he is not charged with any offense from the TVPC – AT LEAST NOT THIS TVPC.
It seems that Will was recently punished by our school’s other TVPC (a new organization at our school) for messing in his pants during a wrestling match. Since this was an accident while representing the school, Will received a stern writing punishment of 500 times and he also was required to sit on the toilet for half an hour before wrestling practice every day for a week.
This is of interest to the TVPC today because the lovely Deanna (an enterprising young lady to be sure) managed to sneak into the boys locker room and was caught keeping Will company while he was sitting his time on the toilet today. Mr. Worf, Head of School Security, caught the two of them in the stall together – Will doing his time on the toilet and Deanna standing there talking to him. I must say that Deanna is mighty lucky that all they were caught doing is talking. “Do you know what I’m thinking, Deanna?” I ask her, “Do you have any idea how angry I am right now?” “I know you’re angry, Captain Pic…– err, I mean Mr. Chairman,” she says “I guess it was a pretty stupid thing to do.” “I really didn’t mean any harm, sir, and we really weren’t doing anything other than just talking,” she adds, “I just wanted to keep Will company while he sat on the toilet – that’s got to really boring just sitting there.”
“Well, Deanna, sitting on the toilet is something that you’re not going to have to worry about for a while, at least in school,” I tell the senior beauty, “And I don’t think you need to be empathic to know what that means.” Deanna begins to cry as she knows exactly what that means. She begs me reconsider the punishment that she knows is coming. “I go both ways in the toilet at school every day,” she pleads, “A toilet suspension will mean a load in my panties every single day.” “That’s going to be toilet suspension for a week,” I tell her and announce for that record, “That means that you must stay completely out of school bathrooms for week and that includes both girls’ AND BOYS’ bathrooms.” She must also write 1,000 times, “I will not sneak into the Boys’ Locker Room bathroom again.” Let’s see how you chase after Will while you’re on toilet suspension,” I tell Deanna, “Let’s see if he’s still interested in a girl with a load in her panties every day.”
“And as to you, young man,” I lecture Will, “I obviously have no jurisdiction over you, but I doubt that this is the last you’re going to hear about this matter.” “There’s a new sheriff in town, Will,” I warn him, “And with that new TVPC we have, I doubt conduct such as yours is going to be tolerated
The last item on today’s TVPC agenda – a new item that we’ve just added to the agenda – is a bit of committee business. “We discovered today that there is a glaring omission in the TVPC rulebook,” I announce for the record, “We discovered that there was no provision in the rules to properly address and properly punish alcohol related toileting accidents.” I propose, and by a 5-0 vote the TVPC adopts, a directive to the TVPC rules committee that the matter be addressed. As per the usual procedure, the rules committee will review the matter and recommend to the TVPC new rules and regulations to address this matter. The new rules and enhanced punishments are too late to affect Lyndsey (at least as it relates to this particular incident). But perhaps the next girl who considers drinking on lunch pass or in school, will think twice about doing it. Maybe they’ll think twice about it when they realize they’ll get a pretty stiff punishment from the TVPC if they have an accident because of it.
So concludes another session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee. Meeting adjourned at 4:14 PM.